This one’s about love.

Xavier: What’s all this sh_t about love? How do we get so nuts? The time we waste! When you’re alone, you cry, “Will I find her?” When you’re not- “Does she love me as much as I love her?” “Can we love more than one person in a lifetime?” Why do we split up? All these f_cking questions! You can’t say we’re uninformed. We read love stories, fairy tales, novels. We watch movies. Love, love, love…!
Isabelle: You could just call her back.

I just watched a film called Les poupées russes and while it didn’t really teach me anything in particular, it did have some great views of London, Paris, and St. Petersburg. That was the main reason I rented it. I liked the internationalism of it and the cinematic effects made it fun and modern. As for the main story line, the main character was a jerk, in my opinion. But then again, I’ve done a lot of the same things he has in a restless search for love and comfort, whether it be momentary or eternal. I, too, can be a jerk. It’s only because I want to find happiness as much as the next person.
I guess I’ve always felt that pure happiness could be found through true love. My two favorite movies when I was little were Pretty Woman and Father of the Bride. The idea of being rescued by the perfect guy (no matter who you were) and then having the perfect wedding always fascinated me. I want that to happen to me. I’m very well aware of the fact that these ideas have been ground into my subconscious and they’re not going away anytime soon. To be honest, that bothers me. I see other people in the world whose obsessions have nothing to do with l’amour but with their art, their livelihood, their religion or something else. Sometimes I wish one of these things were my pursuit in life. Maybe I’d feel a lot less like one of the proverbial lemmings. But since I was 4 years old, I’ve always known two things about myself to be completely and utterly true: I want to be a mom and I want to be a wife.
As of late, I’ve been reading a lot of books and spending more time at home. I’ve had no major interest in dating for a while and I haven’t felt like I’ve had a real connection to anyone in quite a long time. Years, it seems. I know it hasn’t been years, but sometimes I wonder if even my last two serious relationships, both involving many a serious discussion on marriage and even an engagement, were truly full connections. I understood these partners inside and out. I understood what they wanted and needed. I thought I could give them that. I cared enough about and loved each one enough that I thought the kind of dreamy relationships we had could stay like that forever. That I could fill those roles of everything they wanted forever. Something was missing for me though, and as much as I wanted to say “No! I love this person and I can make it work!” I knew I wouldn’t stay happy forever. Only about a minute ago did I realize that the first of these relationships was far too wild. It pushed all the boundaries I knew. The second of the two was much too comfortable. It was well within the boundaries I had known. I had a pleasant spark with both of these individuals when I first met them and it grew into love very quickly. But I was never 120% sure. 98% sure, yes. Which is fine for a school exam. But not when it comes to love. The reason why 98% sure isn’t good enough for me is that a couple times while I was growing up, I asked my mom how she knew my dad was the one. She told me she “just knew.” I couldn’t believe her at first. Of course that’s not the answer you want to hear as a kid. I don’t really know what else I was hoping she’d say, but what else could she say? “Well, kid, I just walked down to the perfect husband store and picked him in aisle 5. Right height, right price, nice eyes. When you’re 18, I’ll take you down there and we’ll see what we can find for you.” I guess that could have been easier to accept. But we all know, that’s not how it works and there’s no perfect partner store.
You see, when referring to my future partner, I hesitate to use the word husband. It seems likely, but given my past and my philosophies and especially my wonderings about love, I feel as though I would be ruling out a possibility if I just stuck to a husband. Who knows if I’ll find a husband, or just a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or just a good friend who I hang around with a lot? I know some people find their soul mate in a best friend, and they never marry. Who says we have to marry anyway? Maybe I will find a partner, but we won’t marry. Maybe we can’t marry. Remember, my obsession with marriage (thanks, Steve Martin and Kimberly Williams). That and my parents have a perfect marriage—seems like it anyway. It’s been the model in my life. So, yeah, I want one too. And I want it to last forever. It’s an instinct for me: I want to find my one and only.
Here’s the thing, though: I’m scared that once I meet the “one” I won’t appreciate it. Or I won’t be happy forever and things will go awry. Worse yet, what if I already met the one and I threw it all away? So many times I’ve had that feeling I thought was the same as my mom’s when she met my dad and “just knew.” I thought I “knew” this was it several times. But I don’t trust myself to “know” anymore. I don’t know if I can love a spouse for the rest of my life. Or even for 50 years. I do know that when I have children, I will always love them, no matter what. I know that down to the blood and marrow in my bones. I’m far more sure about having kids than I am about getting married.
So what am I getting at here? I suppose I’m just expressing my confusion and bewilderment about love. I think most of us have, at one point or another, been frustrated by love. I want to know why it’s so necessary. Why am I obsessed with finding (or being found by) my one and only? I mean, at least lately, I haven’t felt as much of a rush to find love, but I still find this sentiment inside so annoying that I feel the need to rebel against it, kicking and screaming, saying “I don’t need you!” I feel the need to write a long, ridiculous post like this one. That’s how I feel about love. How do you feel?

Songs and “Kick Me” Signs

A friend of mine texted me today and asked, “If I wrote a song and it was bad, would you tell me it was bad?”

I replied, “No, but I would tell you how you could improve on it.”

He then forwarded me to his MySpace blog. He had written a song just today about a girl he was once with and still loved. Even though she may have found someone else, he wrote “I’m comin’ home to you, girl.” It struck a chord in me.

I think most of us has dabbled in (in varying degrees) the art form of writing songs and poetry–particularly when the subject most on our minds is love. Not all of our feelings come streaming out onto our paper/screen in a glorious moment of Shakespearian brilliance, but I think it’s still important that we try to write how we feel. By collegiate standards, most of what we write in emotion is pure trash. But by the heart’s standards, these small pieces of writing are gold. If for nothing else but the simple fact that writing your song or your poem proves that you have a heart and that you can feel. Maybe this is why we are so protective of our own work. We all want praise in some form or another so we throw it out there and test it on anyone who is willing to read it. But we refuse to receive any feedback without first announcing that we cannot write for beans. Simply, it’s because it’s your heart that you’re exposing. If someone likes what you’ve written, you want them to like it because they could relate to it. It doesn’t matter so much the way in which you’ve organized these words or why you chose those words to begin with. As long as they make the reader feel the same way you felt when writing the piece, isn’t that all that matters? It’s all about heart, isn’t it?

After reading my friend’s song, I told him that it made me a tear up a little and that I wished someone had written something like that about me–which was the truth. Honestly, it’s one of the better songs I’ve ever read. He said to me, “I thought you were gonna tell me how I could make it better!” and all I could reply with was, “I can’t tell you how to make it better if it’s already good.” I hope he realizes it’s actually a good song. I also had to make him admit that it was about a real person. People don’t write heartbreak songs about people that don’t exist.

It seems to me that in our present society, wearing your heart on your sleeve is like wearing a sign on your back that says “Kick me.” If anybody takes advantage of your vulnerability, you clam up and say “well I don’t know how that got there.” I don’t think this is the right approach. Am I saying we should all go around wearing “kick me” signs? Hell no. That would be just plain silly. But maybe every now and then when we do get caught with one of those signs on our back, perhaps we should say, “Yeah, I knew it was there all along. I just wanted to see whether you had the heart to sympathize with me or not.”

It’s just proof that we’re human. And that’s not such a bad thing.